8 Signs and Symptoms of Loneliness
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Loneliness isn’t always obvious.
More and more, clinical psychologist Emily Bly, PhD, a licensed therapist of over a decade, sees what she calls “covert loneliness.” People come into her office complaining of difficulties that seem — at first — to have nothing to do with loneliness, like increased drinking or overwhelming stress. But then, as her clients open up, it becomes clear that they have been deeply lonely without realizing it.
According to the American Psychological Association, loneliness is an unpleasant feeling of being (or perceiving yourself to be) alone or solitary.
Dr. Bly, the founder and clinical director of Pleasantville Psychology Group in Chappaqua, New York, sees loneliness as an understandable response to a lack of the human connection we’re wired for.
Because social connection is one of the basics of well-being, being lonely can throw many things out of balance, potentially impacting your body, mind, and behaviors. If you think you may be experiencing loneliness, here’s what to look out for.
RELATED: Who’s at Risk for Loneliness — and Why?
1. You Wish You Had More Friends
“The most obvious symptom is that you’re missing people and wishing you had more people in your life,” says Bly.
Some researchers say that wish is key to identifying loneliness. According to the discrepancy model (a framework for understanding loneliness developed by social psychologists Daniel Perlman, PhD, and Letitia Anne Peplau, PhD), people experience loneliness when their social network doesn’t meet their expectations, explains psychologist Daniel Russell, PhD, an emeritus professor of human development and family studies at Iowa State University in Ames, Iowa.
2. You Feel Like No One Understands You
When you’re lonely, it can feel like you’re not in tune with the people around you. Dr. Russell says this is so common that it’s an item on the UCLA Loneliness Scale he developed, which for decades has been the gold standard for researchers studying loneliness.
Over time, you might figure that you’re having trouble connecting because, fundamentally, you can’t be understood by others, explains Bly. She points out that there can be many reasons people feel misunderstood, including those related to race, class, sexual orientation, and trauma. “But certainly, it’s something that’s reinforced by loneliness and lack of social contact.”
At its extreme, loneliness can balloon into paranoia. In one study, people who said they felt lonely were also more likely to say others disliked them, feel suspicious of others, and think others intended them harm. The results held for people with and without a history of psychosis, suggesting that loneliness can trigger paranoid thought patterns even among those without a strong tendency toward these thought patterns.
3. You Feel Alone — Even When You’re in a Crowd
Unsurprisingly, lonely people tend to say they feel alone. But, counterintuitively, feelings of isolation or being left out can persist even for people who appear to be social butterflies.
The number of people someone is surrounded by or how many friends someone has simply isn’t a good way to tell if someone’s lonely, according to a review of studies. Russell says that one person might be lonely with a dozen-plus buddies while another might not be lonely at all with just a few.
4. You Don’t Want to Socialize
A common but seemingly contradictory sign of loneliness is that you’re actually less interested in socializing than usual. When you’re lonely, just contemplating a night out can make you feel exhausted or tapped out.
Eventually, you might find yourself avoiding social events altogether. “It’s almost like you get in the habit of not being in contact, you start to not feel so great about yourself, and then you withdraw more,” says Bly.
5. You Feel Down and Stuck in Your Head
Feeling lonely can be emotionally distressing. In one study, Latinx college students who were more lonely were also more likely to have symptoms of anxiety, depression, and stress. “It’s a common element of pretty much anything that can ail us mental healthwise,” Bly says.
Over time, self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness can take root. “Part of how we understand ourselves has to do with how we are reflected in the eyes and minds of others,” says Bly. Without access to other people as mirrors, we can become confused and uncertain about who we are, she says.
6. Your Body Feels Off
For decades, researchers have known that ongoing loneliness is connected with poor physical health and even death, says Russell.
The evidence linking social connection to physical health is strongest in heart disease and stroke outcomes, according to the U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community, released in May 2023. The advisory points to a review of studies that found loneliness increased the risk of heart disease by 29 percent and stroke by 32 percent.
Russell says it’s important to note that when researchers talk about these alarming health effects, they’re generally referring to chronic loneliness rather than the short-term loneliness that we all feel occasionally.
But even temporary loneliness can make you feel subpar. Physical symptoms of loneliness can include headache, body aches, flu-like symptoms, and sleep problems, according to Mayo Clinic.
RELATED: How Loneliness Affects Our Health
7. You’re Spending More Time on Social Media
Losing hours to endless scrolling? Loneliness could be to blame.
Social media use can mask loneliness and create it simultaneously, notes Bly.
Bly says that social media — and the followers, likes, and friends you can find there — give the illusion of being connected but only offer a hologram of actual human relationships.
Research suggests that if you look to social media to fill your connection bucket, you may come up empty. In one study that polled more than 1,000 adults across four countries, people who used social media for social connection were likelier to say they felt lonely than those who used it for other purposes, like avoiding boredom.
Turning to social media when you’re lonely may lead to increased fear of missing out (FOMO), according to research mapping electrical activity in the brain using EEGs. These results suggest loneliness may drive people to use social media, which, in turn, can lead to FOMO. FOMO itself may increase loneliness, leading to a harmful cycle where loneliness, social media use, and FOMO fuel each other, per a review of the literature.
8. You Notice Your Healthy Habits Slipping
When her clients seem to be compulsively filling themselves up — bingeing on food, shopping, or substances — Bly starts to suspect that they might be subconsciously striving to manage feelings of emptiness or aloneness.
It’s more than a clinical observation. For example, researchers have found feeling lonely makes you want to buy things more than you might otherwise, including one study looking specifically at shopping on digital platforms.
If your habits feel out of control or you’re otherwise overwhelmed with symptoms of loneliness, consider reaching out to a psychotherapist or other trusted healthcare professional, says Bly. You can often preventively stave off loneliness by making regular social connections part of your self-care kit, she says. But if DIY strategies aren’t working, that’s a clue that something else — like depression or another mental health condition — could be going on.
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